Are you lonely at work?
What happens when you spend the 9-5 on your own?
Work wives: the ultimate GOAT
I admit it: I need a work wife.
The proletariat life is not one I partake in out of joy, passion, or a need to give back to society. I need someone to roll eyes with, talk crap about the weekend with, send GIFs online to and chat over lunch about holding space with. I need someone who understands the minutia of our workday, the people we deal with, who shares in my life highs and lows. We can talk about an Execel spreadsheet one minute and her upcoming wedding the next. Work wives make the workday worth going in for.
I like knowing that if I have to spend my time working rather than sailing a yacht in France like my spirit is supposed to, at least I have someone along for the ride to make it worth taking.
But not everyone has one.
Last year, an Australian study found that over 37% of people felt lonely at work, and a further study found that 74% of in-person workers regularly lunched alone. For some, that suits them just fine - there are plenty of people who want to get in, do their work, and get out, and are very much into the separation of work and personal. It definitely saves any angst over being included in the fun side chat online, or deciding which days to come into the office based on friendship over productivity. Some even relish the quiet or alone time, using it to put their head down and completely concentrate, or take their break to enjoy a solo activity, like reading or a going on a dreaded run.
But there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone.
For others, they are alone not by choice, but circumstance. People who head into work some 40 hours a week to sit alone, work alone, lunch alone, and go home alone, even though it isn’t what they would prefer. While they may be involved in the odd group meeting or company event, the conversations revolve around work, not general camaraderie, leading to social isolation in the workplace. In 2021, a Columbia University study found links between social isolation, anxiety, depression and mental health issues.
Loneliness at work may manifest in a variety of ways. It can be a general disconnection socially, or even within your team or organisation’s overall goals. It can be feeling like you don’t have much to contribute to in general or work-related conversation, or that no-one really understands or appreciates your work, your role or how you contribute. The lack of connection can also leave you feeling like you can’t ask for help or are unsure with who to go to in certain situations.
I know this, because as someone who has always had work friendships, I’ve experienced it.
For me, it wasn’t so much a bitchy or malicious endeavour by others, and to be honest, I think they’d be saddened to know I felt this way. People were polite and exchanged pleasantries, but it never went further than that. It’s more that outside of the polite hello, no one really talked to me. I never felt anyone really got me or was really all that interested in getting to know me. I tried in various ways, but at the risk of feeling like too much of a keen jean, I ended up taking a backseat and disengaging myself, often retreating to work in a space by myself or opting to work from home more often than not – as at least that was an active choice to engage in work and other activities on my own.
While a large part of the loneliness epidemic for others may have been exacerbated by the pandemic, with remote work and technology meaning more solo time than ever before, for me, it wasn’t about feeling lonely when I was alone. It was only surrounded by other people.
Sometimes, you can feel more alone around others than when you are by yourself.
While of course, there can be far worse (and I have definitely experienced worse!) - a toxic environment, a horrible boss, workplace bullying or harassment - it did leave me feeling somewhat sad and flat on days I would come into the workplace. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not invited to lunch? Why didn’t anyone understand my joke? Am I the weird one?
Sometimes, it isn’t an intentional plot by others to disengage (even if it can feel like it!) For whatever reason, in some workplaces you just don’t click, your interests don’t gel, they’re not overly social or their peer cup is already full, new applicants need not apply.
We know we are there to work, not to make friends
We get it.
While there will be those that argue that work friends are a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have, of course we all know we are being paid to do a job in working hours. Obviously.
I suppose it’s just if you’re in a job not a career, if you are away from your family, friends, pets and TV, if your work can be mundane or unenjoyable, it can really help to have someone there to have a laugh about it all with. It means you might stay back a bit longer to help with a task, you’ll head to that company event to mix with other people in the team, you’ll feel more confident in meetings to share your ideas, or you’ll be more present because it’s more enjoyable.
Psychology Professor Laurie Santos, who gained traction over lockdown due to The Science of Wellbeing free course she created for Yale University, believes belonging is an integral part of individual and organisational success:
“Maybe one of the reasons we’re all so disengaged at work, maybe one of the reasons ‘quiet quitting’ seems so appealing, is that we’re actively not investing in the thing that might matter the most for our happiness at work, which is our connection with other people.”
The previously mentioned Australian study also found that it’s not just about having a gossip over lunch. Loneliness at work is a real issue, with more negative workplace effects on average, like less work productivity, making more mistakes, taking more sick leave, and expressing a stronger desire to leave. Like anywhere where you’re not feeling overly appreciated, the desire to further engage, learn, perform, advance and aspire diminishes with an overall lack of fulfilment and satisfaction.
Just get a new job!
In my own experience, after a while, I had to accept that while these people may not ‘get’ my humour, fashion sense, extremely chatty disposition or excellent chat about pop culture, there was nothing overly malicious. Some people don’t need work wives. Others already have one, or hey… maybe they’re just not that into you (sting!)
I also know that I’m fortunate in that I have many friends outside of work and can take comfort in the fact that those relationships are cherished both ways. But for those who don’t, the workplace loneliness can feel especially isolating, especially as adults who expected this behaviour was left at the high school gates.
I could sit here and write solutions you all know already, like ‘Sit with a different team! Join a club! Get a great book to read, or meet with other friends at lunch! Leave, get a new job!’ and many other things we could all look up.
And sometimes, they really do help, especially the meeting with actual friends part, if you have that option. And if you’re the person who has friends - maybe reconsider including someone else at lunch or in the side chat. But the above options are not always practical in theory.
I suppose it’s just that if you’re already in a space where you may like the job but you’re not a live to work person, it sure is a lot easier to get by with a little help from your friends.